Teaching Kids Your Values, and Answering their Big Questions

Resorting to the golden oldie “because I said so” works to a point, but we all know sometimes kids need to dig a little deeper.

Parenting expert and psychologist Collett Smart has some tips on how to have meaningful conversations with your kids in a caring way, and help them understand the importance of knowing their values.

• Kindness is the Easiest Value to Pass Down to your Kids

Here are Collett’s  answers to five questions I asked on this topic:

1) How do you explain what values are to your kids?

“I think values shouldn’t be explained, or defined. It’s about modelling and living them out in front of your children from a very early age. It doesn’t mean you have to be perfect; your values are modelled even when you mess up. You admit to doing something wrong, or that it goes against your values.

“If your child [asks directly], ‘What does ‘values’ actually mean?’, you might say, ‘Values teach us our responsibility in the world, how to treat others, and how we should be treated.’ Essentially for me, values are about looking after others, myself, and the earth that we’ve been given.”

2) Is there a way to teach your children that values are important?

“I think we all come to a time when we realise values are important. So we might gently point out to our children that every decision you make is based on a value, whether you realise that or not; there’s no such thing as a neutral value system.

“Often our values are first revealed in our sense of self-worth. When kids start to think about whether they deserve something or not, or they’ve been hurt by someone, that’s how we start to talk to them about a person’s worth. We help them realise that their worth is based on some sort of value system that they hold. If a child points out that another child was treated cruelly, you can ask them why they think that, and how they came to hold this view.”

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3) How do you encourage curiosity, but also guide them well?

“The first thing is, don’t pretend to have all the answers. When you’re actually not sure of an answer, tell them that you’ll look it up. You don’t have to have the answer right then and there in that moment.

“Use their everyday experiences. Children question things in the movies they watch, in their peer groups, on social media – use those opportunities then to extend those conversations. The biggest skill you can teach children when you try to teach them critical thinking, is to question their question. [For instance] when they say, ‘that child was bullied, it’s terrible’, ask them, ‘why do believe bullying is wrong?’ Then wait; let them wrestle with how they came to that conclusion.

“Point your child to other science-backed resources. There’s some amazing people who believe science and faith are not incompatible. Resources like the Centre for Public Christianity do a brilliant job of tackling these hard questions, and they don’t shy away from when Christians have been shameful.”

4) What do you do if and when your kids start to disagree with your values or beliefs?

“Your children are not always going to agree with you on some of the more peripheral areas, and yes, sometimes even the core [ones]. For me, [I believe] your relationship with your child is more important than being right. Even when your children turn away from your value system, fighting them and rejecting them isn’t going to make them suddenly turn around and [want] to spend time with you. It’s important to know that sometimes we can be wrong as parents, and be open and kind in your debates and discussion.”

5) What age should you start talking about spiritual concepts and beliefs?

“I don’t think there’s a specific age; your belief system and your value system should permeate your life. It should form a natural part of your lifestyle, how you model things to your children, how you involve your children in helping others, and the choices you make as an adult. I don’t believe children expect perfection from their parents, they just expect you to be authentic.”

Article supplied with thanks to broadcaster and writer Laura Bennett . Her interview guest Collett Smart is a psychologist, qualified teacher, lecturer and writer.