Improving Communication Starts with Speaking Up

Healthy communication begins with honest conversation

Key points:

We know clear communication can strengthen relationships and poor communication can cause tension or distance. However, we don’t always know how to correct the way we’re communicating.

Wellbeing advocate and Free and First author Elizabeth Jane says many of the relational struggles people experience come down to when, and if, we speak up.

“One of the most common causes of communication breakdown is silence,” Elizabeth told Hope 103.2.

“We don’t want to speak up because we think we’re keeping the peace… but that suppressing of our feelings is not the way to go.”

The other challenge is that when we do speak up, we edit what we say or pepper it with disclaimers that undermine the point we’re trying to make.

“Instead of keeping it real and telling the true situation, we edit it,” Elizabeth said.

“Or we’re reactionary with our communication and jump in too quickly.”

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Being reactionary – getting defensive, blaming or manipulating the other person – often comes from unrecognised emotions.

“We unconsciously project how we’re feeling, which can actually make for a pretty volatile conversation,” Elizabeth said.

“If we’re feeling insecure or anger or resentment, that can’t lead to an empowered conversation.”

When we feel we can’t speak honestly, Elizabeth believes we need to get a better handle on what is driving that withdrawal.

“To strengthen relationships, whether they’re with family or in the workplace, the most important thing is we need to look at ourselves and be emotionally aware and self-aware,” Elizabeth said.

“Unless we know how we truly feel, how can we communicate our feelings to the other person?”

“Unless we know how we truly feel, how can we communicate our feelings to the other person?

“It is tricky at first to be authentic but when we’re our true self, then we’re really heard.”

If you need to have an important conversation with someone, choosing your timing is important along with engaging them in the solution – not just venting about the dilemma with friends.

“Unless you have the conversation with the person it needs to be had with, it cannot strengthen that relationship,” Elizabeth said.

“So many people talk their peers or girlfriends instead and talk about the drama that’s going on, which makes the situation worse and energises negativity.”

Pick a time when you’re not “stressed or rushed” and have a “phone-free” check-in with the people you need to.

“Ten minutes a day is all it takes,” Elizabeth said.

Main communication tips Elizabeth recommends:

Elizabeth Jane’s book Free and First is out now.

Listen to the full conversation in the player above.

This interview has been edited for clarity and length.

Feature image: Canva Pro