‘Mumming’ is Meant to be Messy Not Perfect

Mums are given a lot of rules about how to their do their role “right”, but after a year-long experiment to become the perfect parent, “messy-mum” Victoria Vanstone found perfection doesn’t help, understanding does.

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Hosting Sober Awkward, a comedy podcast following two former party animals as they navigate life without booze, Victoria’s laying out her life again in Mumming.

Tackling our perceptions of perfect parenting, Mumming documents Victoria’s efforts to become the “bliss ball excreting” parent she always thought she would be and work out she was becoming an angry mum.

“The negative side started to take over,” Victoria said.

“There was a large percentage of my time that I was spending being annoyed at being a mum, and I knew something had to change.”

Playing out any parent’s worst nightmare, Victoria saw herself mimicking her own mum’s worst traits and “had to be the cycle breaker again”.

Tackling our perceptions of perfect parenting, Mumming documents Victoria’s efforts to become the “bliss ball excreting” parent she always thought she would be.

“I didn’t want to be that person that was shouting at their kids,” Victoria said.

“I knew there was better ways of dealing with their behaviour.”

During a frazzled moment at school drop off, Victoria was given a parenting class flyer – which she said yes to “for the snacks” – and found herself reassessing what winded her up and how to deal with it.

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“My relationships with my children were deteriorating to the point where they were starting to shout back,” Victoria said.

“I was teaching them bad habits.”

Victoria assumed ditching alcohol would solve her parenting problems, but it didn’t teach her how to be a mum.

Tweaks like changing how she spoke to her kids, the words used around food and how she expressed emotion helped greatly, as did openness to outside support.

“Sometimes I need help,” Victoria said.

“Sometimes I need someone outside my family, a therapist, to say ‘Look, this is what’s going on’.”

Seven years into sobriety Victoria had assumed ditching alcohol would solve her parenting problems too, but while it did make her mind clearer, it didn’t teach her how to be a mum.

“I make mistakes all the time,” Victoria said.

Victoria found most helpful was finding someone who simply acknowledged parenting is hard.

“Sobriety did not change those mistakes [because] I wasn’t working on that part of my life.”

Seeking out the best books, blogs, courses and groups on parenting, what Victoria found most helpful was finding someone who simply acknowledged parenting is hard.

“I just needed someone to understand,” Victoria.

“I wrote [Mumming] as a love letter to all the mums out there who struggle, because sometimes you just need to know that other mums are struggling too – you don’t need to know who’s doing it perfectly and who’s doing it right.”

Listen to the full episode of UNDISTRACTED with guest Victoria Vanstone in the player above or wherever you get your podcasts.

There’s comfort to be found in the fact “we do make it through”.

“And we make it through every single day,” Victoria said.

“The love is always there.”

Vicotria Vanstone’s book Mumming is out now.

Listen to the full episode of UNDISTRACTED with guest Victoria Vanstone in the player above or wherever you get your podcasts.

Feature image: Book cover supplied and used with permission