“No one stays a virgin until they get married!” That is what so many people think. Holding onto virginity can sound kind of ridiculous in our sexually saturated culture. So I took time out with 10 women, most who saved sex until marriage, and asked them why it was important to them.
Megan, married 16 years
“For starters, waiting forced us to establish a relationship that was not solely built on lust (I’m not saying it was easy, but it can be done and is worth it.) We were able to get to know each other and see each other’s personality faults and strengths without the distraction of an intense sexual relationship. We were also able to decide (without guilt or feeling obligation) whether this person was the one we could actually LIVE with for the rest of our lives. Doing things God’s way I’ve noticed God has actually blessed us in this area. I’ve known so many couples who “fight” about sex and complain sex has lost its “spice” once they were married, while my husband and I have always felt very in tune and blessed in this area.”
Jenny, married 7 years
“I guess waiting just made everything new and exciting. It was all part of the marriage deal. We don’t have any fights or unspoken “baggage” about past relationships etc. Sex is something we’ve only experienced with each other so it’s really special.”
Kate, married 6 years
“My decision to remain a virgin until my wedding night wasn’t based purely on being a Christian. I learned the benefits, the pros and cons, and I decided for myself that it was the best course of action. My relationship with my husband (who was also a virgin) is amazing. we don’t have anyone else to compare each other to, we don’t have guilt, regrets or shame. I am not comparing myself to other women or worrying about whether he will find someone else attractive or better than me, not only because he saved himself only for me – but also because he has great self-control and discipline to have done so in the first place.“
Tayla, married 4 years
“Joshua was my first boyfriend and the only boy I’ve ever kissed. It was a powerful moment standing at the alter knowing we had waited to have sex just with each other. I’m thankful Joshua is the only man I’ve ever been with. I believe our marriage started with a solid foundation of love and commitment.”
Marina, married 7 years
“Remaining a virgin until I said “I do” definitely helped me avoid a huge amount of hurt I would have otherwise endured if I’d slept with all the guys I’d dated (there were a few!). Breaking up is hard enough without the added intimacy of sex.”
Mel, married 6 years
“I didn’t want to be physically connected with any other man than my husband. This choice protected me immensely because sexual intimacy was hard for us in the beginning. It hurt, I felt embarrassed and inadequate. If I hadn’t of waited, I think emotionally I would have been so scarred because of what happened in our first year of marriage, but because it was in the marriage, I felt safe, secure and loved no matter what! We could be open and honest knowing that we were committed to each other for life and things would only get better and better! Which they have!”
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Elise, still a virgin
“Saving sex until marriage may seem a bit shocking in this day and age but I’m OK with that. I’m waiting because I know when God creates something he never messes up but makes it with a purpose and a design. He created sex within marriage for our benefit. As difficult as waiting can sometimes be, it’s not a task because I know when I get married my husband and I will commit ourselves to each other alone; there won’t be any heartache and we will be able to enjoy the true purpose of sex.”
Kat, married 10 years
“I chose to save sex for marriage firstly because God’s way always turns out better. Secondly, because I loved and respected my partner enough to give him my best (not what others have test driven and disrespected). Sex is intimate and my mind is focused on my husband alone (in my sex life and desires). He can trust me and knows my loyalty to him.”
Stephanie, married 26 years
Stephanie, looking back, believes that waiting until marriage was the right thing to do – but that some of her reasons at the time were ill-informed.
“Here’s my honest answer. I waited because I knew it was the right thing to do, because it was one of the “big sins” that I certainly didn’t want to commit, because I was scared of what might happen if I did it, diseases, pregnancy, fear of going to hell etc! But I also waited because I wanted it to be special with the person I would spend my life with.”
Stephanie at the time had no revelation of God’s amazing grace and made her decision based partly on fear.
But staying a virgin and valuing yourself and sexuality is NOT about winning brownie points with God and being some kind of super Christian.
It is about you and your future. God always gives us boundaries to protect us and bless us! It’s about setting yourself up for a faithful, loyal, committed and incredible marriage.
God is not the “fun police” trying to cramp your style and steal your mojo. He is a good dad, one that wants the best for you! He wants you to have great sex, but in the way he has designed; between two people that don’t just love each other’s bodies, but embrace each other’s souls and make a promise to stick together on the good days and the bad.
Christie, married 10 years
Christie is a little different to the other women I interviewed. She wasn’t a virgin on her wedding day.
“By the time I became a Christian (18 years old) I had already lost my virginity. Even without a Christian faith, I grieved the actions I had taken. It wasn’t a trusted relationship and in hindsight, it was a decision made out of my brokenness – a need for approval and love. I am thankful to God that He gives us opportunities for a new life!
“I was single for six years before I started dating my now husband Nick. Given my past, we chose to make stronger boundaries. We kept our word on saving sex for marriage, possibly the strongest temptation a dating couple face. If we can keep our word on saving sex for marriage, we have proved to ourselves we possess the right disciplines to face many life challenges; to stay married for life, to stay faithful to one another, to work as a team.”
Christie’s story shows that it’s never too late to start again. Today she has a wonderful husband, a great marriage and two gorgeous little boys. No matter where you’ve been or what you’ve done, God makes all things new.
Whether you are single, married, or divorced, when you let God into your world he completely wipes away the past and gives you a fresh start.
So dear girl, take courage. You are not alone. From those that have walked before you and those that walk alongside you. You’ve got this, and we’ve got your back.
Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters. Sabrina is a new generation speaker and author and former youth pastor of 9 years. Her passion is Jesus, relationships & sexuality.