Listen: Michelle Ng shares her heartbreaking experiences of miscarriage, and how faith helped her find hope in the darkness.
Michelle Ng had always wanted to be a mum. After the birth of her first child Preston, she knew she and her husband Jonathan wanted to give him a sibling. But it wasn’t that easy. They didn’t expect the heartache that was to come in their journey of creating their family.
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When Preston was two and a half, Michelle and Jonathan began trying for their second child. To their amazement, they fell pregnant after just two months.
But the excitement was short-lived when just a few weeks into the pregnancy Michelle experienced some major bleeding. She travelled to the hospital emergency room, alone, looking for answers. But, instead of compassion, she was met with clinical coldness from the attending physicians.
“It was being looked at by the hospital as a medical problem, rather than a baby that I’d lost,” Michelle said.
“That sparked a lot of fear in me, if I did miscarry, that no one would understand.
“[I was scared] that I’d have to spend the rest of my life explaining to people why I’m sad.”
Michelle explained that although she had supported friends through miscarriages, she didn’t understand just how painful it was.
“I didn’t realise that it actually felt like losing a child,” Michelle said.
The next day, an ultrasound confirmed Michelle’s worst fears – she had lost her baby.
Leaning into God
Across the next few weeks, Michelle experienced heartbreak like never before. She spent many days crying, unable to stop. However, there were several things that helped Michelle process her grief.
“We decided to name our baby because he was so real to us, and we wanted him to be real to everyone else,” Michelle said.
Michelle and Jonathan chose the name Gabriel Luca – meaning “God is my strength” and “bringer of light”.
Michelle also relied heavily on her faith – pushing into God more than she ever had before.
“I had moments at night, in bed, crying out to God,” Michelle said.
“I had moments at night, in bed, crying out to God,” – Michelle Ng
“And I remember the Lord saying, ‘the angels are singing your baby to sleep’.
“That brought me this peace – that no matter what I was going through, that my baby was OK.”
Soon afterwards, Michelle and Jonathan decided to start trying again, and fell pregnant almost immediately. However, their excitement once again faded quickly, when Michelle miscarried again after a few weeks. They named this baby Raphie Jay.
“We really wanted the name to mean something prophetic, about what God was going to do,” Michelle said.
“Raphie means ‘God has healed’ and I loved that.
“Even though I didn’t feel very healed, I really did believe that God was going to heal me from this.”
“Even though I didn’t feel very healed, I really did believe that God was going to heal me from this,” – Michelle Ng
A little warrior
Michelle and Jonathan didn’t have to wait long to get pregnant once again – this time, with their rainbow baby, Theodore Louis.
The early pregnancy was tumultuous including emergency surgery for appendicitis, during which Michelle was expected to lose her baby.
However, the baby – and God – had other plans, and, following the surgery, Michelle knew that Theodore was a warrior.
“I just had a feeling that if this baby survived [surgery], then the baby will be OK,” she said.
“Maybe the appendix rupture showed me just how strong that baby was.”
Today, Theodore Louis is three – the perfect completion to Michelle and Jonathan’s family. But Michelle knows that not everyone has a happy ending.
Sharing the pain
Michelle has shared her journey in her book My Soul Waits, which serves as a vulnerable journal and companion to those experiencing miscarriage. Additionally, she had some words of encouragement and hope to those who are travelling a similar journey.
“Everything that you feel is warranted,” Michelle said.
“This was a life inside of you. This was your baby.
“If you don’t have a baby in your arms yet, try press into God in hope for the future, whatever that looks like.
“Having your hope in God is really the only safe place to have it.”
Listen to Michelle’s full story on Finding Hope in the player above. If this story brought up feelings of grief for you, the SANDS bereavement hotline is available on 1300 308 307.
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